Why You Too, Should Give Over Your Life to the Random.org Number Generator

These are difficult and unprecedented times for us all. There's a myriad of things to worry about; job security, the health of you and your loved ones, whether you have adequate supplies of peanut butter, the king of spreads, to last a 14 day self isolation period. In these circumstances, you shouldn't feel guilty about doing what's necessary to relieve the burden on your shoulders. That's why I'm advising you to give over all your decision making power, in every area of your life, to the Random.org number generator.

I entrusted my decision making to the Random.org number generator after a frank conversation with my obsessive compulsive disorder. The disorder pointed out that I am shambolic, and left to my own devices, I would devote all my free time to my favoured hobby of 'carefully curating my Netflix watch list in lieu of actually watching anything.' “What if...” whispered the OCD seductively... “what if there was something else that could decide what to watch on Netflix for you? And then also take care of all significant life decisions going forward as well? That would motivate you to clean the bathroom? And finally read something by Alice Munro?” Suffice to say, my interest was piqued.

Here's how it works – I pay the Random.org number generator a respectable salary of $250,000 a year. Note: this does not go to the website itself, just the generator. This is unsustainable and it will lead me to financial ruin in the long term. However, the beauty of the system is that I don't need to worry about this; when it gets to the point where I might lose my home, the generator will decide what to do. And in the mean time, the generator decides everything else as well. It never persuades me to make gutsy, life altering decisions, because I'm not Luke Rhinehart. I will never use it as an excuse to take hard drugs, or eat 19 cakes. But it does help me deal with average day to day quandaries of what to have for lunch, and how best to balance work with pleasure. All I have to do is assign each of the options available to me in any given situation a number, and hit the 'generate' button. Like a magic 8-ball, the generator illuminates the way. Except 8-balls are kids' toys, and the generator is for adults, like me. I am an adult.

Are they any downsides to this system? Critics say that it leads to a complete loss of free will and self agency. They say it feeds into a cycle of mental illness that has marred my life for many years, and at this rate will continue to do so long term. They even point out that I once spent six consecutive hours unwillingly playing video games, in theory a designated 'fun' option, just because the generator wouldn't stop giving me its number. But to those critics, I say, you don't understand how desperately I need to believe in something. You don't understand how the prospect of an indefinite amount of time confined indoors with only my own impulses for company scares me. I need something to guide me, to tell me what to do. I don't have the tools for adulthood.

So if you too are a hapless dweeb with an anxiety disorder, why not give the Random.org number generator a whirl? You have some things to lose! But maybe you also have everything to lose by not doing it! Better use the generator, just to be on the safe side.